Work

For the past several months, I have been battling a dilemma. To quit, or not to quit? That is the question. This has been my internal, well sometimes it has been external, battle.

To Quit

1. I am the primary caregiver to 5 kids under the age of 7. All day, every day. Isn't that enough work for 1 week?
2. I only work 2 shifts a month anyway. It isn't that much money. And there are certainly aspects of our lifestyle we could cut back on to save some $$.
3. Weekends when I work, I am up for about 50 hours with little to no sleep. The sleep I do get is the half-asleep/half-awake sleep. Darin tries his best to keep the kids and kid noises away from me. But I'm still home, and the kids know it. So they try to wake me up and ask me questions or I hear the inevitable screaming occasionally,etc. Regardless...not good sleep. So I have to consider the safety of my patients, the safety of me driving home, and the pains of starting a new week with the kids - tired.
4. Work annoyances: a. Physically and verbally abusive patients. Example - this weekend I was bit 3 times, kicked, pinched, called an 'Evil girl' and a 'bad bad person', told to 'stick my fingers up your own @$$' and 'go to hell'. b. Often given a bad assignment. I often get the worst mix of patients, back to back admissions, etc because I'm 'only there for 2 nights'. c. asked to work more than I have to. They asked me to work a 16 hour shift yesterday. d. Lack of communication from administration. I was left a note that stated I had to have copies of all these licenses/classes, and complete 75 online competencies by November 15th. I was left another note saying I was complacent and needed to get these done asap. ok...how about a phone call or an email-even a snail mail letter letting me know these things BEFORE the deadline.
5. I have to clean up lots of poop, pee, vomit and blood and any combination thereof. I get enough diaper duty at home.
6. Darin works hard at work all week and then has to shift into full-time, single-parent, Mr. Dad status for the weekend - his rest from work. Not to mention that he can't go anywhere with the kids because they won't fit in his car and his car is a manual which I can't drive.
7. The heartache from the kids begging me not to go to work and saying they don't like it when I go to work.

Not to Quit

1. Work allows me to use my brain in a much different way than I do at home. I get to use critical thinking and book knowledge.
2. I am able to have adult conversations with someone I'm not related to.
3. Every patient is unique so it stays interesting.
4. I help people get better or help families get through very difficult times. There is a sense of pride and accomplishment that comes along with that.
5. It's not GREAT money, but it's not BAD money either. It makes it worth my while to work and help to pay 1 bill each month - sense of contributing to the family monetarily. Plus, I'm not prepared to give up my DVR!
6. Get to keep up with my skills. I'm nervous about being out of practice for a couple years and then re-entering the workforce.
7. While I am sleep deprived for the weekend. It's not that bad. Redbull helps me through the rough spots.
8. Work annoyances: a. patients that act like idiots are USUALLY not in control. This weekend's example was a 97 year old woman with dementia. She didn't know what she was doing or saying. b. bad assignments are challenging. I like a challenge. c. they prob. ask everyone to work more than they have to. not just me. d. Lack of communication - well that's still unacceptable.
9. I clean-up lots of aforementioned body fluids at home. At least I get paid for it at work.
10. OK, so I don't really care that Darin is "stuck at home". It gives him a glimpse of what I go through on a daily basis and hopefully will lead to a greater appreciation of what I DO do rather than highlighting what I don't get done everyday. Plus, he needs the quality time with the kids. And lastly, it's his own fault for buying a car he knew I couldn't drive =)
11. While the kids may not like that I work outside the home, I feel like its modeling positive behavior and showing that men and woman can work both inside and outside of the home - perhaps dispelling some of the gender biases of our society.

OK... are you tired of reading? So what did I decide? I know you are dying to find out. I put my resignation letter in my boss's box on Friday night....then picked it up out of the box Saturday night (She doesn't work weekends). I have never been so conflicted. This is the third time I have quit...to only not quit a little later. I want to quit...but I can't give it up. UGH! Well, I have another month before I have to go back to work. Happy contemplating to me!